Rubber (2010)

 

Rubber is a movie about a tire named Robert that kills people. That’s it that’s all.

The movie starts off in a desert, and at some point they start showing black chairs on a dirt road.  At this point a car comes down the road and slowly knocks over every chair. We are greeted by a Sheriff who talks for a five minute monologue about how "most things in life happen for no reason."

The sheriff gets back in his car while the nerd starts passing out binoculars to a group of people that have apparently been off camera this whole time.  They start talking "This sucks, I can't see anything" and "Oh god this is so boring, why are we here?"  These people are spectators to the movie we are currently watching.  They don't like the movie either, that should tell you something.

The plot is non-existent and there is absolutely no character development.  You are shown things and literally told to just deal with it.  You will not like or care about any characters in this movie except for the tire.  Why do we like the tire?  Because he makes people’s heads explode with his mind.

It takes about twenty minutes for the tire to make an appearance. After another several minutes of nothing, the tire sits up from the ground and starts awkwardly rolling around until he finds a water bottle.  He hesitates for a moment before running over the water bottle. He also runs over and kills a scorpion.

Then, something strange happens.  The Tire comes across a glass bottle, which he finds out he can't run over.  He tries several times but no cigar, so what does he do?  He backs up, gets pissed off, and uses his psychic powers to make it explode. Then he falls asleep. The next morning, the tire wakes up, and uses his powers to completely destroy a rabbit.

At least this movie has good special effects.  When the rabbit explodes, it leaves behind piles of meat, blood, bones and fur. Also, when the heads in the movie explode, they look pretty gruesome. 

So, so far the tire has destroyed anything that has gotten in his path and from that moment on, he continuously kills more and more people by making their heads explode.

At this point, the spectators are all pissed at how slow the movie is going, while impressed with the cool head explosions.  Somebody shows up with a Turkey and literally throws it in the dirt near them and they just eat all of it.  (Spoiler Alert) Well, luckily for them, it was poison and they all die.

 

Our Sheriff from the opening monologue gathers up all the other officers and a couple of the townsfolk and says to them, "OK everybody, good job. You can go home now, they're dead.  I repeat, we poisoned all the spectators.  They are dead, you can go home."  That's right, the movie just killed off its spectators so it could end.  He is interrupted by somebody who whispers in his ear "One of the spectators didn't eat.  We have to keep going."  The Sheriff looks very disappointed.  He’s confused and doesn’t know how to continue.  He pulls a note from his shirt pocket that reads, "Oh god, the kid was right, the killer is a tire."  

After that, the story was so retarded that I gave up explaining it to you.

Anyway, this movie is extremely... special.

I don’t recommend it, but in case you were interested here is the trailer;

Also, this movie is available on Netflix as well as YouTube. Enjoy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiar8KU4vqY

The Cold Light of Day 2012

Will Shaw (Henry Cavill) is a young businessman who has pulled himself away from work to take a vacation in Spain with his dad (Bruce Willis), his mom (Caroline Goodall), his brother (Rafi Gavron), and his brother's girlfriend (Emma Hamilton). Will and his dad, a government bureaucrat, don’t agree on anything and fight a lot. But when the rest of the family gets kidnapped, they have to work together to save them. It turns out his dad really isn’t a government bureaucrat but rather a CIA agent. He turns to an old friend from the CIA, Jean Carrack (Sigourney Weaver); he tells her about a briefcase he took from a group of angry people who kidnapped his family, so he needs it back to save them.

Now before you go thinking "Oh wow that sounds amazing, a spy movie with Bruce Willis and the new Superman guy" Well it's not. First of all, Bruce Willis is only in about 10 minutes of the movie, he's got a couple of lines, a small fight scene and that’s all you see of him. At least he's in the movie more than the rest of the family; they're there in the beginning and the end for about 5 minutes. The whole movie is pretty much Will trying to get the briefcase back from Jean and him failing miserably. 

I am so sick and tired of movies showing me bad guys having such terrible aim. There is one scene in the movie where the bad girl has an Uzi and is firing at a distance of 3 feet and missing every single shot, and she's supposed to be in the CIA. This crap really pisses me off some times.

Henry Cavill isn’t really an action star, but it’s not really his fault. His character is drawn very weak and is often erratic, getting angry at the Spanish for not speaking English and just generally being a douche. And then there’s the fact that the everyday civilians in the movie become expert marksmen and skilled getaway drivers, yea, this movie is special.

Henry Cavill doesn't make much of an impression as an action star, though it's hard to say how much of that is his fault. His character is poorly drawn and often jerky, getting angry at the Spaniards for not speaking English and just generally being a pill. Granted, he has a lot on his mind, what with his family being abducted and people trying to kill him. But the everyday civilians in movies who become expert marksmen and skilled getaway drivers usually become charming, too. Why keep all the other cliches and omit that one?
Read more at http://www.pajiba.com/film_reviews/the-cold-light-of-day-review-henry-cavill-and-a-cavalcade-of-cliches.php#EJoRmXfwrc8L3Idf.99

Henry Cavill doesn't make much of an impression as an action star, though it's hard to say how much of that is his fault. His character is poorly drawn and often jerky, getting angry at the Spaniards for not speaking English and just generally being a pill. Granted, he has a lot on his mind, what with his family being abducted and people trying to kill him. But the everyday civilians in movies who become expert marksmen and skilled getaway drivers usually become charming, too. Why keep all the other cliches and omit that one?
Read more at http://www.pajiba.com/film_reviews/the-cold-light-of-day-review-henry-cavill-and-a-cavalcade-of-cliches.php#EJoRmXfwrc8L3Idf.99

Henry Cavill doesn't make much of an impression as an action star, though it's hard to say how much of that is his fault. His character is poorly drawn and often jerky, getting angry at the Spaniards for not speaking English and just generally being a pill. Granted, he has a lot on his mind, what with his family being abducted and people trying to kill him. But the everyday civilians in movies who become expert marksmen and skilled getaway drivers usually become charming, too. Why keep all the other cliches and omit that one?
Read more at http://www.pajiba.com/film_reviews/the-cold-light-of-day-review-henry-cavill-and-a-cavalcade-of-cliches.php#EJoRmXfwrc8L3Idf.99

Henry Cavill doesn't make much of an impression as an action star, though it's hard to say how much of that is his fault. His character is poorly drawn and often jerky, getting angry at the Spaniards for not speaking English and just generally being a pill. Granted, he has a lot on his mind, what with his family being abducted and people trying to kill him. But the everyday civilians in movies who become expert marksmen and skilled getaway drivers usually become charming, too. Why keep all the other cliches and omit that one?
Read more at http://www.pajiba.com/film_reviews/the-cold-light-of-day-review-henry-cavill-and-a-cavalcade-of-cliches.php#EJoRmXfwrc8L3Idf.99

So, in the end, you shouldn't really watch this movie if you're a Bruce Willis fan because he's only there in the beginning, the action is alright, but again, the enemies aim is complete garbage.

Here is the trailer:

This movie is on netflix.

Sources:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1366365/

Jack and Jill (2011)

Jack Sadelstein (Adam Sandler) is gritting his teeth over a holiday visit from his loudmouthed twin sister Jill (Sandler in drag). The siblings pick at each other relentlessly from their past experiences from when they were younger. They never get along, even with the help of Jack's  wife (Katie Holmes). It's horrible to watch the movie, make fun of Jill's looks, weight, and farting problems only to switch gears into gooey sentiment at the end and tell us why we should love her.

Adam Sandler was terrible as Jill. We were supposed to believe that the character was actually a woman. All I saw was Adam Sandler in a dress with a stupid voice. Jack is unlikeable and mean, almost to the point where you wonder how he has any family or friends. Katie Holmes wasn’t really in the movie. Her character was one dimensional and boring. She might as well have not been there at all and this crap would have stayed the same. Al Pacino was in the movie, as himself. Now, why would he do this movie is my question. He is an amazing actor with amazing credits to his name. But this? Really? The jokes were pointless and not funny. Too many fart jokes and stupid Adam Sandler accent scenes.

Well the film contains approximately one minute that is not excruciating. It’s the one where Johnny Depp appears during a Lakers game.The visuals are terrible in the early movie and get a lot better later when they go on a cruise ship. 

Now, in the story, Sandler wants to recruit Al Pacino for a commercial in Dunkin Donuts he's doing, but Al really doesn't like him because he's kind of a douche-bag. Well, as soon as Al sees Jill, he falls in love almost instantaneously, but Jill doesn't even like him. So now throughout the movie we get to see Adam Sandler trying to buy Al Pacino's love with Jill so that he could do the commercial for them.

So in the end, this movie shouldn't be seen at all, Adam Sandler used to be funny, I don't know what happened in this movie and I certainly don't know why Al Pacino was dragged into this piece of crap. Anyway, a comedy movie that isn't funny, is a bad movie and don't ever watch this... EVEEEEEEER!

Here is the trailer:

This monstrosity is on Netflix

Sources:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0810913/?ref_=nv_sr_1 

Spy Kids 4-D (2011)

Marissa Wilson (Jessica Alba), is the aunt of the original spy kids, Carmen and Juni Cortez, who are all grown up now. Marissa is pregnant but she’s carrying out one last mission as a spy – catching Tick Tock, a villain who’s stolen the key to the Armageddon device, which can steal time. She captures Tick Tock, while still pregnant, and she puts him behind bars. Since she’s retiring, Marissa has not told her new husband, Wilbur, or his young twin children, Rebecca and Cecil, that she was a spy. 

One year later, Marissa is living with their new baby and Wilbur is busy with his new reality show as a spy hunter. He still doesn’t know his wife used to be a spy herself. Marissa is suddenly called back into action when another villain, called the Timekeeper, steals the Armageddon Device and is working with Tick Tock, who’s escaped from jail. She doesn’t realize, however, that the Timekeeper is after a medallion and necklace Marissa gave Rebecca, which can stop the Armageddon Device from stealing time from the whole world. Rebecca and her twin brother, Cecil, are forced to work together to help their mom. They get help from their aunt, Carmen, who wants to revive the Spy Kids Division.

This is yet another movie that is meant for kids but it will be the last kid movie that I review. So, again, the only good thing about this movie is:

- The cool gadgets

The camera work is very weird and the effects lack... you know... intelligence. The story of the movie is rushed and way too thin for the films running time. The action is a bit boring and it doesn’t help that the editing is messy and disorganized. The actors in the movie aren’t good; I mean it was cool of them to bring back Daryl Sabarra and Alexa Vega, but they didn’t really fit in that much, I mean the movie is called Spy Kids, the new kids are ok, but there are some parts of the movie where they don’t have confidence to do what they’re supposed to do and that makes them less appealing.

Jeremy Piven (The Villain) is the only good actor in this film; I mean he really gives his all into this underwritten and uninteresting villain part. Also Jessica Alba does nothing with her role other than look pretty. The characters in the movie are so cardboard; it’s hard to treat this movie like a good kids movie.

This movie was also in 4-D, which was extremely stupid in the theaters. The Aroma-Scope really wasn't necessary because all it was, was the baby farts and you scratch a ticket and smell it, or the kids drops a bag of vomit, and then you scratch a ticket and smell it.

So, in the end, do not see this movie.It is an utter disgrace to the genre of spies. The acting and CG are both horrible, and the jokes are utterly painful to sit through. (No one in the theater even laughed, not even the kids).

The only reason you should see this movie, is pretty much if you are trying to get stupider, or if you're drunk.

Here is the trailer:

Also, the FULL movie is on YouTube, so here you go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s58sK8a33N0

Sources:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1517489/?ref_=nv_sr_2